Holiday Road oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh… Holiday Road oh oh oh, oh oh oh.
Last week, our family piled into our car, and headed west. 10 hours west to be exact. We toured South Dakota for the next 5 days before we turned around and headed back the same 10 hour stretch as our trip began.
One of the traditions my husband started when we backed out of our driveway was to play the song, “Holiday Road” every time we got in the car. (You know, the theme song from National Lampoon’s Vacation?) The reaction from Gracie was joyful. She began singing along the minute it started. “Turn it up” she would scream with delight. Owen on the other hand, got a little grumpy. Like he was ‘too cool’ to participate in our silly family fun. I would sneak a look in his direction, and see him trying desperately hard NOT to smile. Before long we would all be laughing and singing along… “Holiday Road, oh oh oh, oh oh oh, Holiday Road oh oh oh, oh oh oh!”
We had the most amazing time exploring, sight seeing, appreciating the God given beauty of the Bad Lands and Black Hills. I knew it was going to be pretty. Just didn’t realize how pretty. Breath taking, really. There were several times during this trip when I sat back, consumed with gratitude. Gratitude for my family, for this opportunity to spend time with them. And to share appreciation for each other and the beauty around us.
As you can imagine, a road trip like this can also lend itself to some irritability as we were in each others’ hair, literally 24/7. At times I felt like we were playing a part in a National Lampoon movie. (Please don’t speculate which character I was playing!) Tempers flared, patience grew thin. But somehow we would rally. These moments were usually short lived, and we would soon be back to singing, “Holiday Road….”
So here’s to all of you taking Griswold family vacations this summer! And for those of you considering… just do it! You won’t regret the memories you will make with your family. All of them. The good, the bad and the ugly!
Please share with us your summer vacation memories, and silly traditions!
After talking this over with several friends, I realized that I’m not alone on this topic, SO I thought I would share a fun way……OK maybe it’s not FUN, BUT it is a ‘not so serious’ way to deal with our negative self talk, selfishness, poisonous pride, deceiving thoughts, resentments, and our larger than LARGE ego that needs to be tamed and managed.
Just like most things that make their way into our lives, if we acknowledge them, call them out, identify what they are we have a better chance of dealing with them and managing the situation. When we’ve got our blinders on or if we are unwilling to take an honest look at ourselves, a few things could happen. We can slowly lose joy, get stuck in ruts, and start to place blame where it does NOT belong.
Let me introduce to you Towanda. Towanda has been with me since I was born. We grew up together, experienced life together, faced challenges together, and even lived together. The funny things is………I didn’t really KNOW her until recently. Once I got to know her? Well, I decided I did NOT like her AT ALL!! She is negative, controlling, manipulative, insecure, resentful, selfish, insensitive, judgmental, and angry. LOVELY, wouldn’t you say?!?!? NOT!! Here’s the kicker about Towanda; Towanda is ME.
YES, Towanda is the name I have given all my MY “character defects”. Before I continue, I have to say this. If your name is Towanda and you’re reading this, PLEASE do NOT take offense. I grabbed the name from a scene that I remembered from the movie Fried Green Tomatoes. Actress Kathy Bates plays the character Evelyn Couch and gives her alter-ego this name. You can watch the Towanda clip if you’d like, it’s pretty funny! With that said, If you’d like to name your character defects “Teri” go right ahead, I won’t take offense. LOL
I was FINALLY able to see Towanda when God revealed her to me in February 2010. It was a love/hate experience. I thought that I had already surrendered MY will or should I say Towanda’s, BUT I had not. I was still in the drivers seat, trying to maintain the wheel. It took me 36 years to get to this point of being able to identify Towanda. I’m confident that many people in my world had met her before I was able to, but I’m grateful that I FINALLY did……even though it was a painful realization.
Our first meeting was tough, I cried when I met her. I couldn’t believe I had let her live with me for that long with out doing something about it. It has been a slow process grasping ALL of her character defects, but God continues to reveal to me more of Towanda as I grow in my faith and my walk with Him.
If you’re perfect. Not needing to change anything in your life, you can stop reading hear. BUT, if you’ve got some areas in your life that need improvement, or have identified some character defects, like me, you will want to read Part two of this post on Thursday. There I will walk you though the steps that I took to giving ‘it’ a name and explain what to do when your new found unwanted friend is triggered and wakes up!
You can read Part two by following this link.
Continued from I Haven’t Got a Clue…….
When I was WILLING, He was able. I had no idea what throwing my hands up in the air, surrendering my plans, my will, my ideas, my pride, my motives meant or looked like, but I was cooked – DONE and READY to get off the winding road.
Looking back I can see now that God had been preparing me for this specific time. Several months prior to this He had me stumble across a book through my friend’s sister called Uncommon Woman By Susie Larson. Just the name of the book struck a cord in my heart – Uncommon Woman, that is what I wanted to be. I picked up the book in February and devoured it.
Not only once, but twice. I chewed on every chapter. I had the passion in my heart to possess the characteristics of the woman described in the book. But me? I can’t be that woman, I’m not good enough! The tapes would play over and over in my mind of all the horrible things that I’d done, the things I’m CURRENTLY doing, the un-pure thoughts I have, the prejudice and judgmental attitudes I stored in my mind – simply put, I am undeserving………look at me, who am I? You see, I did a really GREAT job in my life accomplishing most of the NEVERS that I vowed I would NEVER do.
In April 2009 I got a call from a dear friend of mine, a mentor friend, a wise woman who I admired, she wanted to have coffee. We had a chance to catch up and I shared with her the book I had read. It intrigued her and she asked if I could do a “book club” on the book. I thought, wow, my THIRD time reading this book, REALLY? It took me only a brief second to respond, “Ok, I’m in – when do we start?” We decided that we would meet every Thursday morning and discuss a chapter each week. I was so excited!
The following week we started. Before we dug in, my wise friend asked me a profound question. She said, “What can you give up and surrender in your life over the next few weeks, as we go through this book. Something that will free your mind and allow you to focus as you read; to really get the most out of what you’re reading?” As I thought about her question, she shared with me what she was willing to “lay down”. Then I responded with my answer, “I will lay down alcohol – for the next 12 weeks, I will not drink alcohol.”
I was excited about this commitment, THIS is what I needed – accountability. In the back of my mind, I had been a little concerned about the amount of alcohol I had been drinking ~ I LOVED LOVED LOVED to unwind at night with a glass of wine. But the problem was that it wasn’t just one night a week, it was most often seven and it wasn’t just one glass of wine it was most often one bottle (or two). So, that day, I did two things……..I committed to NOT drink for an extended period of time from the bottom of my heart AND I broke my commitment; that night I drank so much wine that I passed out.
I wore the shirt of shame and the pants of guilt for the next three weeks when I met with my wise friend. A day didn’t go by that I didn’t have a drink. She didn’t ask about my commitment and I didn’t tell. I was dishonest and in fear. I was fearful of what she would think of me and afraid of what I had discovered. I was in bondage to alcohol and it was controlling my life.
On the morning of Tuesday May 12th 2009, I set out to accomplish one thing, pick out tile and granite for our home. The reality of that day is this. I started drinking by noon and I was passed out, tucked safely into my bed by my husband by 6:00pm. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was to be my last drink (by the grace of God).
I felt physically miserable when I woke up on Wednesday May 13th. Vowing AGAIN that morning for the millionth time I will NEVER drink again. I looked in the mirror and hated who I had become, BUT this is when the revelation hit me. Remember, one week earlier the cry of my heart was God show me what to do, I am nothing without you? Not only had He been showing me, little by little, but He was preparing me. Out of curiosity, today, I just looked back to my Facebook status for that day and here’s what I had posted:
May 13th 2009 – Teri Fitch Johnson is I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart……. May 13, 2009 at 4:40pm via Facebook for BlackBerry · Comment · LikeWOW ~ ONLY God could’ve given me the JOY that I had felt on that day and the strength to do what I had to do the following day. I had to be honest with my accountability partner, my wise friend who I was doing the “book club” with. As we sat down to get started discussing our book, I began by saying, “I will never find the freedom that is talked about in this book.” I started to cry and through my tears I continued, “I have been dishonest with you, I haven’t been able to NOT drink alcohol. I’ve been drinking since we started and I don’t know what to do.”
We closed our books. We talked openly and honestly about my struggle. We discussed options. I made a decision. I called Hazelden and admitted myself into their impatient treatment facility for alcoholism. The decision was easy for me to make, but it didn’t come without a thousand mixed feelings. I was willing and I had handed over the wheel one week prior and prayed for a revelation. God answered my prayer and all the details fell into place.
Today marks an anniversary for me, 365 days without alcohol – ONLY because of Him! Yes, I am an alcoholic. I’ve embraced this asset and have had the privilege to help others who struggle with the same issue. However, this does not define me. WHY? Because I’m made up of hundreds of OTHER imperfections, good qualities, and experiences, this just happens to be one of them. Through this experience God has revealed to me my true passion and for that I am forever grateful. I feel that my earnest revelation prayer that I prayed on May 5th 2009 continues to be answered. It seems that each day different pieces of this “life puzzle” fall into place as God shines the light on my path and I surrender my will daily (sometimes MANY times throughout the day!)
You have to know that while writing this I’m feeling very vulnerable. Exposed. Naked. One thing we wrote about with Keeping it Personal in Who we are is this, “We want to inspire you to keep it personal in your daily interactions. Inspire you to look for the moments where you can impact the lives of others around you by sharing your experiences and your story.” This is my moment and that is why I’m sharing this story. Maybe, just maybe, this post can impact the life of one person. Maybe, this post can be shared with another person who has a similar struggle to give them hope. Maybe, you’re reading this and want to connect with me because you can relate. Whatever the reason I’m feeling compelled to share……..thy will be done.
One year ago, actually on cinco de mayo, 2009, I was driving alone in my truck heading home from who knows where listening to the radio. I can recall the day like it was yesterday, especially the feelings I had. To cut to the chase and be very BLUNT – I was feeling MISERABLE! I had a storm raging inside of me that could not be calmed. My life to others, acquaintances and those who did not live with me, may have looked “rosy” but behind closed doors in my personal dwelling place, both physically and mentally, my life had become unmanageable. So unmanageable in-fact that I said to my husband, “I just want to go to sleep and NEVER wake up! I cannot live like this any longer.”
Live like THIS? What was THIS? What did that mean? For months leading up to this day I would rack my brain trying to figure out what living like “THIS” meant. I was exploring what changes I could make in my world that would make me feel better. What could I do? At the time I could not see. I was blind to everything. I had no answers. I thought maybe if I traveled less that would make me happy. OR, maybe if I worked out/exercised more, I would feel better. OR, if I was more organized OR worked more OR worked less OR ate healthier, etc. I tried EVERYTHING that I could think of and NOTHING – NO THING was bringing me joy. What I was doing was NOT working.
On that noteworthy day, as I was driving, I heard a song that I had heard no less than 100 times before. For some reason the words spoke LOUD to me that day. I cranked it up and started singing the words at the TOP of my lungs as tears streamed down my face. I’m super sure that the people driving next to me were judging me like I was a psycho crazy woman!!! Oh well. I prayed these words to God as I sang them from the bottom of my heart; literally the cry of my heart. I heard the words clearer and that day for some reason, they had meaning. I wanted so deeply ~ EXACTLY ~ what that song spoke.
As I pulled into my driveway, I rushed into my house, downloaded the song from iTunes, googled the song and the lyrics on my computer, copied the lyrics and posted them into an email that I composed to my husband, here’s what it said:
B. this is my heart today. This is my prayer………..
My life,
Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life,
Has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without…
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation…
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
(Revelation by Third Day – click on this link to listen)
I surrendered that day. I humbly raised the white flag and decided that I was DONE and I was WILLING to let go of the wheel. NOTE: The key word is WILLING. Just like everything, change takes time, but by simply being willing, God was able. That day, he started to slowly take over the wheel. I had no idea what was in store for me, but His gracious, merciful hand was about to give me the revelation I earnestly prayed for in just a short week.
I will continue this story on May 13, 2010. But for now I want to leave you with this…………..if you’re at a crossroad in your life or searching for clarity, purpose, or freedom consider making this song your prayer.
Follow this link to read the rest of the story.
Why do I do this, COMPARE? I haven’t written a “long” blog for a couple of weeks now BUT I know that this is what I need to write about. I know that God is teaching me something here and I thought maybe, just maybe, others could relate to what I’m experiencing.
The last couple of weeks have been emotionally draining for me, WHY? Because of THIS whole comparing thing – UGH! It’s sticking out like a sore thumb in my life. Here’s what I’m realizing……….for me, comparing brings feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, fear, and self-pity. Aren’t these just lovely feelings?!?!?!? LOL – yuck!
The crazy part is that what I find myself continuing to try to “stack up against” are conditions of the heart, circumstances, and experiences – NOT material possessions. I know this is getting a little deep, but bare with me as show you where I’m going with this………
Mom. I should volunteer more compared to some of the other moms at the school. It seems that other moms are more creative and crafty, scrap-booking, and doing little projects with their kids, I compare myself with other moms wishing I was more creative that way. I should dress my kids cuter compared to how some of the other moms dress their kids, I wish I liked to shop like other moms. Other kids are involved with more activities than mine so I compare myself – should I sign the boys up to do more? Are they not experiencing enough at this age?
Wife. I wish I was a better cook and more domestic comparing myself to other wives. Why don’t I enjoy cooking and decorating my home? I wish I was more like other wives who planned meals and knew how to make their homes feel more “homey” – I compare myself, should I be more domestic?
Friends. I find myself looking at others’ circle of friends and thinking, I want that! I compare my life with theirs and wish I was invited more often to social events, parties, concerts, dinners. They seem to be having so much fun and doing great things – I want that too! Why don’t I get invitations? I compare myself and ask myself these questions: Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Do others not enjoy being with me?
Me. I’m not passionate enough about what I’m doing compared to others. My thighs are bigger compared to that girls. I can’t do my hair well compared to that person’s hair, I wish I knew how to style my hair better. I’ve got no style with my clothes compared to others, I wish I could put together outfits like her. That woman is smarter compared to me – I wish I knew it like she did.
Do you ever find yourself thinking some of those thoughts? Do you ever compare yourself, experiences, situations, to others and feel similar feelings like I do? Inadequacy, depression, anxiety, fear, and self-pity?
I could list many more “comparing thoughts” that race through my mind from time to time. And after sharing this with a couple of friends, I’ve found that I’m not alone. Is this human nature? Maybe it is, but I’m starting to change my focus…….start shining the light on what God has given ME! Appreciate the gifts and talents in others, but focus on the strengths that I’ve been blessed with. I was reminded the other day of the story in the Bible about the 3 servants who were given talents. One was given 5, one 2, and the other 1. I NEVER want to be like the servant who was given 1 talent, what did he do? Out of fear, he did nothing – he was comparing himself and as a result paralyzed.
I am so grateful that my eyes have been opened to this area in my life that needs work. I’m burnt out of the feelings that come with “comparison”. I will do my best to keep shining the light on my talents and learn to appreciate the uniqueness and gifts that I see in others instead of comparing and wishing I am something that I’m not.
Daily KIP: Timing. Do you ever feel that God is on a coffee break or something because He isn’t seeing the urgency in “your” situation? Don’t forget that we see only a fraction of any situation. Most often “our” timing reflects impatience and/or selfish motive.
Daily KIP: It can be very difficult to watch others whom we love and care about go through painful experiences. Our initial reaction can often be to want to “jump right in” and help or figure out how WE can fix it. Are you placing yourself in someone’s “experience”, where maybe you really don’t belong? Experiences build character; sometimes the journey through them need to be traveled alone with God.
