One year ago, actually on cinco de mayo, 2009, I was driving alone in my truck heading home from who knows where listening to the radio. I can recall the day like it was yesterday, especially the feelings I had. To cut to the chase and be very BLUNT – I was feeling MISERABLE! I had a storm raging inside of me that could not be calmed. My life to others, acquaintances and those who did not live with me, may have looked “rosy” but behind closed doors in my personal dwelling place, both physically and mentally, my life had become unmanageable. So unmanageable in-fact that I said to my husband, “I just want to go to sleep and NEVER wake up! I cannot live like this any longer.”
Live like THIS? What was THIS? What did that mean? For months leading up to this day I would rack my brain trying to figure out what living like “THIS” meant. I was exploring what changes I could make in my world that would make me feel better. What could I do? At the time I could not see. I was blind to everything. I had no answers. I thought maybe if I traveled less that would make me happy. OR, maybe if I worked out/exercised more, I would feel better. OR, if I was more organized OR worked more OR worked less OR ate healthier, etc. I tried EVERYTHING that I could think of and NOTHING – NO THING was bringing me joy. What I was doing was NOT working.
On that noteworthy day, as I was driving, I heard a song that I had heard no less than 100 times before. For some reason the words spoke LOUD to me that day. I cranked it up and started singing the words at the TOP of my lungs as tears streamed down my face. I’m super sure that the people driving next to me were judging me like I was a psycho crazy woman!!! Oh well. I prayed these words to God as I sang them from the bottom of my heart; literally the cry of my heart. I heard the words clearer and that day for some reason, they had meaning. I wanted so deeply ~ EXACTLY ~ what that song spoke.
As I pulled into my driveway, I rushed into my house, downloaded the song from iTunes, googled the song and the lyrics on my computer, copied the lyrics and posted them into an email that I composed to my husband, here’s what it said:
B. this is my heart today. This is my prayer………..
My life,
Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life,
Has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without…
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead,
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation…
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
(Revelation by Third Day – click on this link to listen)
I surrendered that day. I humbly raised the white flag and decided that I was DONE and I was WILLING to let go of the wheel. NOTE: The key word is WILLING. Just like everything, change takes time, but by simply being willing, God was able. That day, he started to slowly take over the wheel. I had no idea what was in store for me, but His gracious, merciful hand was about to give me the revelation I earnestly prayed for in just a short week.
I will continue this story on May 13, 2010. But for now I want to leave you with this…………..if you’re at a crossroad in your life or searching for clarity, purpose, or freedom consider making this song your prayer.
Follow this link to read the rest of the story.
It’s 2:14am and I’m up. NOT because I want to be, but because I couldn’t fall BACK to sleep after my son slapped me in the face with his hand. Here’s the deal. When we got home from our St. Patrick’s Day evening fun with our friends at 9:00pm on a school night, my youngest son wanted to sleep with me, how sweet!! My husband is out of town so he begged and begged and I said YES. Of course I know what that means deep down inside – I end up sleeping on the FAR left 1 foot area of the king size bed while my son tosses and turns hogging the covers ALL night long. What I truly wanted to say was NO because I wanted to good night sleep, but I said yes……here I am.
My mind is racing about this simple question, prompted by my experience tonight……..If I say YES when I really mean NO, am I being dishonest? Looking back in my life I can identify MANY times where I said YES but meant NO. The outcome of most of those situations didn’t turn out so good, for a lot of reasons.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that we are often presented with things that we don’t really “feel” like doing. Things that make us feel uncomfortable, push our limits physically or mentally, or get us to step out of our comfort zone. Often times these things allow us to grow, experience new things and develop character.
I would consider myself to be an honest person, but as I answer this question I realize that I’m being dishonest. UGH! What I see God showing me is that this character trait NEEDS some work. I need to be honest with myself – I believe that this is what it is really about.
When I’m confronted with the question from a friend who says, “I know that we were supposed to meet at noon for lunch, but can we change it to 12:30?” IF 12:30 doesn’t work for me I need to say NO, not YES. This is a real life example, I’m embarrassed to admit it. I said YES and then I was upset. I’m pretty sure that when I got to lunch I wasn’t the best company to her because I was resentful. Why? Well, let me tell you ALL the reasons – 12:30 didn’t work for me, didn’t she understand that I’ve got a busy day? I was checking my phone the whole time looking at the clock because I was pressed for time, I was impatient and distracted – BAD FRIEND!! Why hadn’t I been honest? I know this seems like a simple thing, what in the world was I doing – come on! She didn’t deserve that.
The experiences similar to this in my life are many. Another area where I’ve been dishonest is with volunteering of my time. Oh the poor people who have to be around me when I’m doing something that I don’t want to be doing. I’ve been told that my anger displays itself LOUDLY! Isn’t that nice?!?!? I don’t think so – UGH! What I’ve found is that MY dishonesty leads to resentments, unproductiveness, procrastination, damaged relationships, and impatience. ALL from a simple little answer and by not saying what I really meant to say.
Who set the ball in motion, and who am I to blame but myself? As I peel back the layers, dig really deep, this little “white” lie, this smudge of dishonesty stems from fear and insecurity. Maybe you ask yourself the same questions from time to time……..What will others think of me? Will I be accepted? Will I end up alone if I don’t do this? Will I be loved if I don’t do that?……..When I’m operating out of fear, where is God? If I’m insecure and pleasing people, then I’m NOT trusting God to meet my needs. Either God IS or he IS NOT – He is NOT both. In the end, when I am dishonest with myself, my life becomes unmanageable. I’m over committed, sleep deprived, unhappy, and miserable.
Even though this is ALL pretty ugly, I’m taking it head on. I’m hopeful that I will improve in this area of being honest with myself which in turn allows me to be honest with others. I’m hopeful that more often than not my YES will mean YES, my NO will mean NO, and my motives will be selfless.
Why do I do this, COMPARE? I haven’t written a “long” blog for a couple of weeks now BUT I know that this is what I need to write about. I know that God is teaching me something here and I thought maybe, just maybe, others could relate to what I’m experiencing.
The last couple of weeks have been emotionally draining for me, WHY? Because of THIS whole comparing thing – UGH! It’s sticking out like a sore thumb in my life. Here’s what I’m realizing……….for me, comparing brings feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, fear, and self-pity. Aren’t these just lovely feelings?!?!?!? LOL – yuck!
The crazy part is that what I find myself continuing to try to “stack up against” are conditions of the heart, circumstances, and experiences – NOT material possessions. I know this is getting a little deep, but bare with me as show you where I’m going with this………
Mom. I should volunteer more compared to some of the other moms at the school. It seems that other moms are more creative and crafty, scrap-booking, and doing little projects with their kids, I compare myself with other moms wishing I was more creative that way. I should dress my kids cuter compared to how some of the other moms dress their kids, I wish I liked to shop like other moms. Other kids are involved with more activities than mine so I compare myself – should I sign the boys up to do more? Are they not experiencing enough at this age?
Wife. I wish I was a better cook and more domestic comparing myself to other wives. Why don’t I enjoy cooking and decorating my home? I wish I was more like other wives who planned meals and knew how to make their homes feel more “homey” – I compare myself, should I be more domestic?
Friends. I find myself looking at others’ circle of friends and thinking, I want that! I compare my life with theirs and wish I was invited more often to social events, parties, concerts, dinners. They seem to be having so much fun and doing great things – I want that too! Why don’t I get invitations? I compare myself and ask myself these questions: Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Do others not enjoy being with me?
Me. I’m not passionate enough about what I’m doing compared to others. My thighs are bigger compared to that girls. I can’t do my hair well compared to that person’s hair, I wish I knew how to style my hair better. I’ve got no style with my clothes compared to others, I wish I could put together outfits like her. That woman is smarter compared to me – I wish I knew it like she did.
Do you ever find yourself thinking some of those thoughts? Do you ever compare yourself, experiences, situations, to others and feel similar feelings like I do? Inadequacy, depression, anxiety, fear, and self-pity?
I could list many more “comparing thoughts” that race through my mind from time to time. And after sharing this with a couple of friends, I’ve found that I’m not alone. Is this human nature? Maybe it is, but I’m starting to change my focus…….start shining the light on what God has given ME! Appreciate the gifts and talents in others, but focus on the strengths that I’ve been blessed with. I was reminded the other day of the story in the Bible about the 3 servants who were given talents. One was given 5, one 2, and the other 1. I NEVER want to be like the servant who was given 1 talent, what did he do? Out of fear, he did nothing – he was comparing himself and as a result paralyzed.
I am so grateful that my eyes have been opened to this area in my life that needs work. I’m burnt out of the feelings that come with “comparison”. I will do my best to keep shining the light on my talents and learn to appreciate the uniqueness and gifts that I see in others instead of comparing and wishing I am something that I’m not.
Daily KIP: Always do your best – Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. ~Agreement 4 don miguel ruiz
My husband called me last week to inform me that one of our very good friends has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is my age, also a nurse (ironically, she works in a breast cancer center), and is also the mother to 2 beautiful children. She is one of the kindest, most beautiful woman I know. Too close to home. She will be having surgery tomorrow, and shortly thereafter beginning a course of chemotherapy. I’m afraid her story is not unlike many other women who each and every day are handed this diagnosis. In fact, according to the CDC, In 2005 (the most recent year numbers are available)—
186,467 women and 1,764 men were diagnosed with breast cancer.
Fortunately, it appears as though she caught the tumor in its very early stages due to a self breast exam. In fact, the mamogram they did following her detection did NOT even pick up the tumor. It wasn’t until they did an MRI that they were able to see this growth. Please take this as a reminder that nothing can replace our own self breast exams. I have heard it a million times. But until now, until it has affected someone so close to me, I was pretty lazy about it. Don’t make that mistake. I am just thankful that my friend was so diliigent.
The American Cancer Society provides instructions on their website on How to Perform a Breast Self-Exam, click here. There is much more information on their website: www.cancer.org
I learn so much from my boys. Being a mother has taught me so much about life and even more about myself. Here’s a little glimpse into some things that I’m learning: How to be more patient, I’m not the only one that can do it, I need to be patient as others are learning. Understanding the feelings that surround unconditional love – nothing that my boys do will keep me from loving them. Forgiveness is for everyone, even me. Give, Give, Give, but don’t lose yourself in the process. Selfishness is something that we are born with, that’s what I think anyway ~ the journey of our life experiences allows us to start seeing the needs of others.
A couple of months ago, I overheard my boys talking. Zane said to Zach, “Zach, would that put a smile on His face?” I can’t remember now exactly what they were doing or talking about, but I tuned in and thought to myself, this is interesting, WHO is Zane talking about? Then I heard Zach respond, “Probably not.” I couldn’t help to ask, “Zane, would it put a smile on who’s face?” He said, “God’s face, mom.” I took a step back and thought, ok – you’re 7 – I’ve never said that before, where did you learn that? I asked them. They said at the same time “school”. YES!! They are learning at school – YIPEE!!
This is the first year that our boys have gone to a private Christian school – each day they start their day with a short chapel service. They sing songs – put on the full armor of God – receive a biblical lesson through other classmates or a teacher – pray and then start their day. I LOVE it!! I frequently go to chapel with them on Thursday mornings and each time I leave there I feel overwhelmed with God’s blessings.
Does it put a smile on God’s face? I love that question. After I overheard my boys talking about it – I decided, hey, that is for ME! That question is one I need to ask myself frequently in EVERY area of my life. So, that’s what I’ve started doing. I know it sounds silly and very elementary, but I’m doing it!!
By asking myself this question, I’m seeing things differently. I’m thinking before I speak. My thoughts are more pure. The actions that I take have meaning – my desire is to put a smile on God’s face!!
I was amazed by the response I got from a friend the other day when I actually spoke this to her through a text message, I know it sounds strange, speaking through a text, but let me share with you what happened. I received a text from a friend basically inviting me into gossip. Her text went something like this……..i ran in2 “jane” she said that “jan” had become a stuck up snot, blah, blah, blah………….My response was this………..what ive heard or any thoughts that I have regarding “jan” would not put a smile on God’s face so I will refrain from that conversation 
……..then I changed the subject in the remainder of my text. The next day when we actually spoke on the phone, she told me that she respected my response and it made her actually think about what she was thinking or saying.
I’m NOT telling this story to pat myself on the back, or put myself on a pedestal ~ BELIEVE ME I know that I screw up all the time and have a lot to work on in my life. I simply wanted to share the concept. Who in this life are we aiming to please? Are we putting a smile on God’s face? Consider asking the question………
I am not a big ‘forward’ person when it comes to emails. In fact, I have to admit am guilty of ignoring an occasional forward. This one sat in my inbox for a few days before I finally got around to opening it. I loved it! I’ve given thought to how I want to live my life as of late, changes I’d like to make- and many of these simple daily suggestions seemed obvious yet a welcome reminder. You know, one of those lists worth printing and hanging on my bathroom mirror. I thought I would pass them along, in hopes to hold myself accountable to them. Maybe one of you will be inspired to simplify your lives by following some or all of these words of wisdom. Many of them remind me of a daily KIP! Let me know what you think.
(By the way, I would site them, but don’t know where this email originated. I’ve also taken the liberty to edit slightly.)
1. Pray.
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won’t fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others. (Including husband and children!)
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places. (This reminds me of my Grandpa Johnson, RIP!)
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don’t lump the hard things all together.
10. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can’t do anything about a situation, forget it.
11. Live within your budget; don’t use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
12. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
13. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
14. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
15. Eat right.
16. Get organized so everything has its place.
17. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
18. Every day, find time to be alone.. REPEAT…every day, FIND time to be alone..
19. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don’t wait until it’s time to go to bed to try and pray.
20. Laugh.
21. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
22. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
23. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
24. Sit on your ego.
25. Talk less; listen more.
26. Slow down.
