This past weekend, I had the privilege of being invited to a ‘pickle party’ as my daughter would say. For many years now, a number of family friends gather at my godmother’s cabin once a summer to can pickles. These aren’t just any pickles, these are Marian’s pickles. I’m telling you, Marian (my godmother) has the most amazing pickle recipe. Word gets out about these pickles, and I find myself hiding them in my laundry room cabinet! The newly canned jars are carefully rationed once the pickling process is complete. Everyone has their favorite, mine are the baby dills. I could honestly sit down and finish a jar all on my own!
Not only is this both an art and a science, (it is really a complicated process!) it is a great time to catch up with old friends. My ‘station’ is by the sink and stove, with one of my most respected friends, ‘Sus’. She is really like family. Because life is busy, we don’t get to see each other or even talk all that frequently. But when we do, I so appreciate her. Her example. Her heart. One of the many reasons I look forward to this weekend.
In recapping my Pickle Party, I realized there are some important lessons learned. Not only for pickling, but for life in general:
- Pay attention to detail. To process. To your team members. (Those jars won’t seal and your pickles will ‘sour’ if each step isn’t followed correctly! Isn’t that also true with certain real life situations?)
- Collaborate. It is a team effort, and each person has a valued role.
- Listen. To not only direction, but to each other!
- Teach. Take time to teach each other a craft, trade or simply life lesson learned. Pass on something to the next generation!
- Laugh. Don’t take yourself too seriously!
- A little sweat labor yields a priceless product.
- Enjoy the fruits of your labor.
- Take time to start and keep a meaningful tradition.
- Make reconnecting with your family / friends a priority.
and lastly…..
DON’T HIDE THE GOOD PICKLES IN THE LAUNDRY CABINET. ENJOY THEM!
Pretty good life advise, don’t you think? …….thanks for the great pickle party Marian!
Today’s Daily KIP REALLY got my mind racing about areas in my life where I rationalize. One way that I would describe rationalizing is excuses I make to justify WHY I’m making a decision or WHY I’ve done something that I had ALREADY decided and spoken that I was NOT going to do.
Let me share the most current situation that I’m struggling with……..VIDEO GAMES, yep – I’ve RATIONALIZED and I’m not happy about it.
When my boys were a few years younger, just starting to get into video game playing, the games they enjoyed were educational, some were rated E for everyone and a few were rated eC for early childhood. I felt these games were ’safe’ for their impressionable little minds. Games such as Mario Brothers, Dora the Explorer, NHL, NBA, NFL, and NASCAR speed racing, just to name a few, checked out OK with me.
I, personally, do NOT enjoy playing video games. I believe it is a waste of time. I don’t understand how most of the games work or how to operate the controllers. The bottom line IS, I’m just NOT into video games. As a child we had an ATARI where I attempted to play games like asteroids, frogger, donkey kong, pong, and pac-man. When the first Nintendo game came out, I DID get pretty good at Mario Bros. but that was the extent of my video game playing career. I have NO desire to pick it back up and master it by any means.
Because of my ignorance and extreme lack of interest I took the ‘lazy’ route and decided to base my video game buying, for the boys, on what the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) suggested. That was simple, NOT very smart, but simple. Here’s what I decided…….the boys could play E rated games until they reached 10, then they could play 10+ rated games until they became teenagers. At that time they could play T games. Then lastly, IF they were STILL into video games, by the time they were 18, they would be considered ‘mature adults’ able to make their own decisions and play the games they wanted to. That was my VERY naive decision, but I was going with it……………so I thought.
I remember the FIRST game that made its way into our home that was T rated, Tony Hawk. This is where the rationalization started. Honestly I don’t even know how it got into our home, it just appeared! A birthday gift? or something? My point is, I read the cover, my boys were getting bored with their current games, it was JUST skateboarding – RIGHT? With some blood – YUK! Come to find out, my boys ALREADY knew how to play the game!!! HOW? Because they played it other people’s homes. OH MY!
The door had opened to my U10 boys playing T games. The new obstacle for me now was saying NO to the MANY other requests to play other T games. Our conversation at Target in the video game isle would go like this:
Zachary: “Mom, can I get this game?”
Me (with a smile): “UM NO, that is rated T, please pick one that is rated E.”
Zachary: “Mom, all the E games are soooo boring, I have the ones that I like, can I PLEASE get this one? PLEASE, pretty PLEASE? It’s no big deal mom, I’ve played it before, it’s FUN! Plus you’ve already let me play Tony Hawk and THAT is rated T!”
Me (not smiling): “NO. AND really? You’ve played this one before too?”
Zachary: ”This is so cheap!! I never get what I want – It’s MY birthday money, I should be able to get the game I want!”
Me (frustrated): “Let’s go, we are leaving! No game!”
This ONLY lasted a few times until I ultimately RATIONALIZED and gave in. I would read the covers, consult with the “teen-aged” workers to get THEIR advice on whether THEY felt the game was appropriate for MY child and eventually I was purchasing T games. OUCH!
Here’s the kicker, it didn’t stop there – YES, I eventually broke down after NUMEROUS conversations like the one above and have NOW purchased 2 M rated video games. WHY? Because I was convinced by my child that the T games were NOW boring and the M games are no big deal, besides, they played them before with their cousins and with friends.
Enough said……this my dear readers IS RATIONALIZATION at it’s finest. I am NOT proud.
Understand this – MY conviction may NOT be your conviction. I am not sharing this story to pass judgment on any parent who has different views on video games for their children. I’m sharing my story to shed light on how easy rationalizing can make its way into our lives; inch by inch. I’m sharing this because I’ve seen rationalization become a common excuse for our behavior; with the excuses and rationalizations we can begin to buy the lies of this world that lead to destruction. Lastly, I wanted to share this to simply get you thinking……are there any areas in your life where you’ve rationalized or are starting to?
Fear, people pleasing, selfishness, comfort, laziness, unwanted judgement of others, and insecurity are what lead me to rationalize on the video games. I’m taking back the ground that was lost from rationalizing and making changes.
Continued from I Haven’t Got a Clue…….
When I was WILLING, He was able. I had no idea what throwing my hands up in the air, surrendering my plans, my will, my ideas, my pride, my motives meant or looked like, but I was cooked – DONE and READY to get off the winding road.
Looking back I can see now that God had been preparing me for this specific time. Several months prior to this He had me stumble across a book through my friend’s sister called Uncommon Woman By Susie Larson. Just the name of the book struck a cord in my heart – Uncommon Woman, that is what I wanted to be. I picked up the book in February and devoured it.
Not only once, but twice. I chewed on every chapter. I had the passion in my heart to possess the characteristics of the woman described in the book. But me? I can’t be that woman, I’m not good enough! The tapes would play over and over in my mind of all the horrible things that I’d done, the things I’m CURRENTLY doing, the un-pure thoughts I have, the prejudice and judgmental attitudes I stored in my mind – simply put, I am undeserving………look at me, who am I? You see, I did a really GREAT job in my life accomplishing most of the NEVERS that I vowed I would NEVER do.
In April 2009 I got a call from a dear friend of mine, a mentor friend, a wise woman who I admired, she wanted to have coffee. We had a chance to catch up and I shared with her the book I had read. It intrigued her and she asked if I could do a “book club” on the book. I thought, wow, my THIRD time reading this book, REALLY? It took me only a brief second to respond, “Ok, I’m in – when do we start?” We decided that we would meet every Thursday morning and discuss a chapter each week. I was so excited!
The following week we started. Before we dug in, my wise friend asked me a profound question. She said, “What can you give up and surrender in your life over the next few weeks, as we go through this book. Something that will free your mind and allow you to focus as you read; to really get the most out of what you’re reading?” As I thought about her question, she shared with me what she was willing to “lay down”. Then I responded with my answer, “I will lay down alcohol – for the next 12 weeks, I will not drink alcohol.”
I was excited about this commitment, THIS is what I needed – accountability. In the back of my mind, I had been a little concerned about the amount of alcohol I had been drinking ~ I LOVED LOVED LOVED to unwind at night with a glass of wine. But the problem was that it wasn’t just one night a week, it was most often seven and it wasn’t just one glass of wine it was most often one bottle (or two). So, that day, I did two things……..I committed to NOT drink for an extended period of time from the bottom of my heart AND I broke my commitment; that night I drank so much wine that I passed out.
I wore the shirt of shame and the pants of guilt for the next three weeks when I met with my wise friend. A day didn’t go by that I didn’t have a drink. She didn’t ask about my commitment and I didn’t tell. I was dishonest and in fear. I was fearful of what she would think of me and afraid of what I had discovered. I was in bondage to alcohol and it was controlling my life.
On the morning of Tuesday May 12th 2009, I set out to accomplish one thing, pick out tile and granite for our home. The reality of that day is this. I started drinking by noon and I was passed out, tucked safely into my bed by my husband by 6:00pm. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was to be my last drink (by the grace of God).
I felt physically miserable when I woke up on Wednesday May 13th. Vowing AGAIN that morning for the millionth time I will NEVER drink again. I looked in the mirror and hated who I had become, BUT this is when the revelation hit me. Remember, one week earlier the cry of my heart was God show me what to do, I am nothing without you? Not only had He been showing me, little by little, but He was preparing me. Out of curiosity, today, I just looked back to my Facebook status for that day and here’s what I had posted:
May 13th 2009 – Teri Fitch Johnson is I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart……. May 13, 2009 at 4:40pm via Facebook for BlackBerry · Comment · LikeWOW ~ ONLY God could’ve given me the JOY that I had felt on that day and the strength to do what I had to do the following day. I had to be honest with my accountability partner, my wise friend who I was doing the “book club” with. As we sat down to get started discussing our book, I began by saying, “I will never find the freedom that is talked about in this book.” I started to cry and through my tears I continued, “I have been dishonest with you, I haven’t been able to NOT drink alcohol. I’ve been drinking since we started and I don’t know what to do.”
We closed our books. We talked openly and honestly about my struggle. We discussed options. I made a decision. I called Hazelden and admitted myself into their impatient treatment facility for alcoholism. The decision was easy for me to make, but it didn’t come without a thousand mixed feelings. I was willing and I had handed over the wheel one week prior and prayed for a revelation. God answered my prayer and all the details fell into place.
Today marks an anniversary for me, 365 days without alcohol – ONLY because of Him! Yes, I am an alcoholic. I’ve embraced this asset and have had the privilege to help others who struggle with the same issue. However, this does not define me. WHY? Because I’m made up of hundreds of OTHER imperfections, good qualities, and experiences, this just happens to be one of them. Through this experience God has revealed to me my true passion and for that I am forever grateful. I feel that my earnest revelation prayer that I prayed on May 5th 2009 continues to be answered. It seems that each day different pieces of this “life puzzle” fall into place as God shines the light on my path and I surrender my will daily (sometimes MANY times throughout the day!)
You have to know that while writing this I’m feeling very vulnerable. Exposed. Naked. One thing we wrote about with Keeping it Personal in Who we are is this, “We want to inspire you to keep it personal in your daily interactions. Inspire you to look for the moments where you can impact the lives of others around you by sharing your experiences and your story.” This is my moment and that is why I’m sharing this story. Maybe, just maybe, this post can impact the life of one person. Maybe, this post can be shared with another person who has a similar struggle to give them hope. Maybe, you’re reading this and want to connect with me because you can relate. Whatever the reason I’m feeling compelled to share……..thy will be done.
It’s 2:14am and I’m up. NOT because I want to be, but because I couldn’t fall BACK to sleep after my son slapped me in the face with his hand. Here’s the deal. When we got home from our St. Patrick’s Day evening fun with our friends at 9:00pm on a school night, my youngest son wanted to sleep with me, how sweet!! My husband is out of town so he begged and begged and I said YES. Of course I know what that means deep down inside – I end up sleeping on the FAR left 1 foot area of the king size bed while my son tosses and turns hogging the covers ALL night long. What I truly wanted to say was NO because I wanted to good night sleep, but I said yes……here I am.
My mind is racing about this simple question, prompted by my experience tonight……..If I say YES when I really mean NO, am I being dishonest? Looking back in my life I can identify MANY times where I said YES but meant NO. The outcome of most of those situations didn’t turn out so good, for a lot of reasons.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that we are often presented with things that we don’t really “feel” like doing. Things that make us feel uncomfortable, push our limits physically or mentally, or get us to step out of our comfort zone. Often times these things allow us to grow, experience new things and develop character.
I would consider myself to be an honest person, but as I answer this question I realize that I’m being dishonest. UGH! What I see God showing me is that this character trait NEEDS some work. I need to be honest with myself – I believe that this is what it is really about.
When I’m confronted with the question from a friend who says, “I know that we were supposed to meet at noon for lunch, but can we change it to 12:30?” IF 12:30 doesn’t work for me I need to say NO, not YES. This is a real life example, I’m embarrassed to admit it. I said YES and then I was upset. I’m pretty sure that when I got to lunch I wasn’t the best company to her because I was resentful. Why? Well, let me tell you ALL the reasons – 12:30 didn’t work for me, didn’t she understand that I’ve got a busy day? I was checking my phone the whole time looking at the clock because I was pressed for time, I was impatient and distracted – BAD FRIEND!! Why hadn’t I been honest? I know this seems like a simple thing, what in the world was I doing – come on! She didn’t deserve that.
The experiences similar to this in my life are many. Another area where I’ve been dishonest is with volunteering of my time. Oh the poor people who have to be around me when I’m doing something that I don’t want to be doing. I’ve been told that my anger displays itself LOUDLY! Isn’t that nice?!?!? I don’t think so – UGH! What I’ve found is that MY dishonesty leads to resentments, unproductiveness, procrastination, damaged relationships, and impatience. ALL from a simple little answer and by not saying what I really meant to say.
Who set the ball in motion, and who am I to blame but myself? As I peel back the layers, dig really deep, this little “white” lie, this smudge of dishonesty stems from fear and insecurity. Maybe you ask yourself the same questions from time to time……..What will others think of me? Will I be accepted? Will I end up alone if I don’t do this? Will I be loved if I don’t do that?……..When I’m operating out of fear, where is God? If I’m insecure and pleasing people, then I’m NOT trusting God to meet my needs. Either God IS or he IS NOT – He is NOT both. In the end, when I am dishonest with myself, my life becomes unmanageable. I’m over committed, sleep deprived, unhappy, and miserable.
Even though this is ALL pretty ugly, I’m taking it head on. I’m hopeful that I will improve in this area of being honest with myself which in turn allows me to be honest with others. I’m hopeful that more often than not my YES will mean YES, my NO will mean NO, and my motives will be selfless.
Why do I do this, COMPARE? I haven’t written a “long” blog for a couple of weeks now BUT I know that this is what I need to write about. I know that God is teaching me something here and I thought maybe, just maybe, others could relate to what I’m experiencing.
The last couple of weeks have been emotionally draining for me, WHY? Because of THIS whole comparing thing – UGH! It’s sticking out like a sore thumb in my life. Here’s what I’m realizing……….for me, comparing brings feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, fear, and self-pity. Aren’t these just lovely feelings?!?!?!? LOL – yuck!
The crazy part is that what I find myself continuing to try to “stack up against” are conditions of the heart, circumstances, and experiences – NOT material possessions. I know this is getting a little deep, but bare with me as show you where I’m going with this………
Mom. I should volunteer more compared to some of the other moms at the school. It seems that other moms are more creative and crafty, scrap-booking, and doing little projects with their kids, I compare myself with other moms wishing I was more creative that way. I should dress my kids cuter compared to how some of the other moms dress their kids, I wish I liked to shop like other moms. Other kids are involved with more activities than mine so I compare myself – should I sign the boys up to do more? Are they not experiencing enough at this age?
Wife. I wish I was a better cook and more domestic comparing myself to other wives. Why don’t I enjoy cooking and decorating my home? I wish I was more like other wives who planned meals and knew how to make their homes feel more “homey” – I compare myself, should I be more domestic?
Friends. I find myself looking at others’ circle of friends and thinking, I want that! I compare my life with theirs and wish I was invited more often to social events, parties, concerts, dinners. They seem to be having so much fun and doing great things – I want that too! Why don’t I get invitations? I compare myself and ask myself these questions: Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Do others not enjoy being with me?
Me. I’m not passionate enough about what I’m doing compared to others. My thighs are bigger compared to that girls. I can’t do my hair well compared to that person’s hair, I wish I knew how to style my hair better. I’ve got no style with my clothes compared to others, I wish I could put together outfits like her. That woman is smarter compared to me – I wish I knew it like she did.
Do you ever find yourself thinking some of those thoughts? Do you ever compare yourself, experiences, situations, to others and feel similar feelings like I do? Inadequacy, depression, anxiety, fear, and self-pity?
I could list many more “comparing thoughts” that race through my mind from time to time. And after sharing this with a couple of friends, I’ve found that I’m not alone. Is this human nature? Maybe it is, but I’m starting to change my focus…….start shining the light on what God has given ME! Appreciate the gifts and talents in others, but focus on the strengths that I’ve been blessed with. I was reminded the other day of the story in the Bible about the 3 servants who were given talents. One was given 5, one 2, and the other 1. I NEVER want to be like the servant who was given 1 talent, what did he do? Out of fear, he did nothing – he was comparing himself and as a result paralyzed.
I am so grateful that my eyes have been opened to this area in my life that needs work. I’m burnt out of the feelings that come with “comparison”. I will do my best to keep shining the light on my talents and learn to appreciate the uniqueness and gifts that I see in others instead of comparing and wishing I am something that I’m not.
Daily KIP: It can be very difficult to watch others whom we love and care about go through painful experiences. Our initial reaction can often be to want to “jump right in” and help or figure out how WE can fix it. Are you placing yourself in someone’s “experience”, where maybe you really don’t belong? Experiences build character; sometimes the journey through them need to be traveled alone with God.
I learn so much from my boys. Being a mother has taught me so much about life and even more about myself. Here’s a little glimpse into some things that I’m learning: How to be more patient, I’m not the only one that can do it, I need to be patient as others are learning. Understanding the feelings that surround unconditional love – nothing that my boys do will keep me from loving them. Forgiveness is for everyone, even me. Give, Give, Give, but don’t lose yourself in the process. Selfishness is something that we are born with, that’s what I think anyway ~ the journey of our life experiences allows us to start seeing the needs of others.
A couple of months ago, I overheard my boys talking. Zane said to Zach, “Zach, would that put a smile on His face?” I can’t remember now exactly what they were doing or talking about, but I tuned in and thought to myself, this is interesting, WHO is Zane talking about? Then I heard Zach respond, “Probably not.” I couldn’t help to ask, “Zane, would it put a smile on who’s face?” He said, “God’s face, mom.” I took a step back and thought, ok – you’re 7 – I’ve never said that before, where did you learn that? I asked them. They said at the same time “school”. YES!! They are learning at school – YIPEE!!
This is the first year that our boys have gone to a private Christian school – each day they start their day with a short chapel service. They sing songs – put on the full armor of God – receive a biblical lesson through other classmates or a teacher – pray and then start their day. I LOVE it!! I frequently go to chapel with them on Thursday mornings and each time I leave there I feel overwhelmed with God’s blessings.
Does it put a smile on God’s face? I love that question. After I overheard my boys talking about it – I decided, hey, that is for ME! That question is one I need to ask myself frequently in EVERY area of my life. So, that’s what I’ve started doing. I know it sounds silly and very elementary, but I’m doing it!!
By asking myself this question, I’m seeing things differently. I’m thinking before I speak. My thoughts are more pure. The actions that I take have meaning – my desire is to put a smile on God’s face!!
I was amazed by the response I got from a friend the other day when I actually spoke this to her through a text message, I know it sounds strange, speaking through a text, but let me share with you what happened. I received a text from a friend basically inviting me into gossip. Her text went something like this……..i ran in2 “jane” she said that “jan” had become a stuck up snot, blah, blah, blah………….My response was this………..what ive heard or any thoughts that I have regarding “jan” would not put a smile on God’s face so I will refrain from that conversation 
……..then I changed the subject in the remainder of my text. The next day when we actually spoke on the phone, she told me that she respected my response and it made her actually think about what she was thinking or saying.
I’m NOT telling this story to pat myself on the back, or put myself on a pedestal ~ BELIEVE ME I know that I screw up all the time and have a lot to work on in my life. I simply wanted to share the concept. Who in this life are we aiming to please? Are we putting a smile on God’s face? Consider asking the question………
