I started this blog on Tuesday evening, three days ago when I was sitting on an airplane flying home from Scottsdale, AZ. For some reason I had to “pack it up” and put it away, I just couldn’t focus. Here’s what I wrote on the airplane:Today my heart is sad…….I can’t seem to hold back the tears. Over the past few days I’ve been hit head on with several situations; some people very close to me are struggling with severe depression, alcoholism, chronic pain, hopelessness, financial hardships, and broken relationships with children.
I have to admit, I’m angry. This isn’t a feeling that I have frequently but today I’m sad and I’m angry. My husband asked me what I was angry about and through my tears I shared that I’m angry because I don’t have any answers! Here are just a few of my questions…….Why are these things happening? God where are you in the midst of this despair? Two of the situations that I mentioned above are ones that I’ve been praying about for many years now – will the pain ever go away? How can my loved ones continue to suffer? Why are our prayers not being answered? What do I say to someone who is hopeless and doesn’t want to live any longer?
On the airplane Tuesday night I shared with Brent, my husband, a thought that I could NOT get out of my head, one that I thought was stupid – UGH!! I shared, “I know this is so dumb, but I just can’t get this out of my head. I feel that I need to go read this book that I’m reading, Embracing your Freedom by Susie Larson, to my brother.” Brent encouraged me to do what I needed to do – he actually thought it was a great idea.
I wasn’t sure if I should mention him, by brother, in this blog – BUT I’m “keeping it personal” and this is real. He’s been sick for about 5 years. And believe it or not through the many doctors and the trial of almost every recommended medication and treatment you can possibly imagine and prayer he has not been able to find a solution or any answers to help him feel better. He’s been living with chronic pain and chronic fatigue for years and has given up hope for everything – EVERYTHING! He is severely depressed and feels no need to continue his life. He is hopeless.
That night when I got off the plane, got home and went to bed my heart was heavy for the people in my life who were suffering.
On Wednesday I had a road trip planned to visit a friend of mine who lives about an hour and a half away. I love my quiet time in the morning, so I was excited to get up 5am. I showered, grabbed my Starbucks coffee and hit the road ready to have a long conversation with God. That I did!! I prayed and cried asking Him to show me how to be His hands and His feet – I shared with Him that I have NO clue what to do, yet I have such a heavy burden to do something! I don’t have any answers to my many questions and I KNOW that I can’t fix or rescue anyone from their suffering – so what?? What can I do? I begged for Him to show me – asked Him to open my eyes to see, my ears to hear, and my heart to know.
I arrived at my friend’s house at 8:15am to drink more coffee and chat – I just love girl time!! While we were talking my friend asked me about my brother; how he was doing. I let her know that things hadn’t gotten any better, but now he was hopeless, he was defeated and DONE. I asked her – what do you say to someone who is hopeless? I told her that I’ve tried to talk with him and encourage him, but I just can’t seem to find the words to say. Listen to what she said, “Teri, I’m not sure what you need to say, but I feel that you need to read to him.” She suggested the Bible, not having a clue that I had even thought this same thing. She continued on saying, “I know this might sound silly, but maybe 3 days a week, go, meet him where he’s at, sit next to him beside his bed and just read to him.” I was STUNNED – Through my friend, who I drove to see, God confirmed to me an action that I needed to take; I hadn’t shared with her the thought that I had shared with Brent on the airplane, remember, I thought it was stupid thus I wasn’t eager to share that with anyone, but this ultimately answered one of my questions. What do I say to someone who is hopeless and who doesn’t want to live any longer?
So, 3 days later as I’m wrapping up this lingering “topic” When we don’t have any answers……I am NOT angry, instead, I am challenged to be consistent. I have no clue where reading to my brother will go. But today I will start. I pray that I will be consistent and not quit even if I don’t see the results right away that I so desire for my brother. I’m a little nervous, I have to admit, but I feel that this is the answer to one of my questions and I’m going with it.
About Teri Johnson
Teri, you have such an amazing heart- for God and for others around you. I know God is going to BLESS you for obeying him, and ultimately bless your brother. I admire your persistence. There may be changes happening in the spiritual realm that we cannot see. You will be planting seeds, and who knows what fruit will prosper from those seeds. Stay strong my friend!